Shame, Shame, Shame

WEEKLY POST - Shame is a word that people tend to grasp loosely. They know it is not a good thing to feel shame and they certainly remember when people (mostly parents) have said, "Shame on you!" to them. But what does it really mean? And why should it matter to you?

Shame is that gnawing, uncomfortable feeling we get in the pit of our stomach when it feels like we are being judged (and not in a good way). It makes us feel badly about ourselves and we want to get rid of it however we can and as quickly as possible. Perhaps more than any other feeling, shame impacts how we behave on a day-to-day basis. It is a universal emotion that weighs heavily on our self-esteem and we are wise not to ignore it.

As adults, it is fairly easy to combat shame. Someone says to us, "Hey! I don't like that shirt," and we can shrug and say, "To each their own" and go about our merry way- still wearing the shirt. But as children, it is not so easy. When our parents shame us, it becomes internalized and results in an overly harsh evaluation of ourselves as whole people. Parental shame often translates into, "You are a bad person, you are worthless, you have no value."

Adults who feel shame tend to feel "overly" sensitive, unappreciated, used, rejected, inadequate and dishonorable. Behaviors that indicate shame are not wanting to be the center of attention, trying to make yourself inconspicuous, always wanting to shut people out and avoiding connections that make us feel vulnerable.

So what is the answer? Talking about the problem. If we cannot talk about our shame, it will continue to hold us back. It will guide our behavior and be part of how we define our own self-worth. So bring it up in therapy where we can figure it out!